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  1. How We Can Help
  2. I am a parent or carer
  3. Ascend
  4. How could it have happened?

How could it have happened?

Girl on phone

It may not be clear what has happened to your child at this stage. What is known is that the police have identified an image of them and need to make sure that they are safe.  They also need to investigate further to get a better understanding of what has happened.  You will probably have a lot of questions that cannot be answered yet, this can feel very frustrating.  Try and focus on the here and now.  It is more important that you show your child that you are not angry with them and reassure them they are not to blame.  

The blame always rests with the perpetrator.  In this situation it is the person who had the image of your child on their device.  Abusers use various methods to get children to engage, such as through social media or gaming, and once that contact occurs the abuser can use a range of methods to manipulate, coerce or control them into sending explicit images of themselves.   

The methods used to obtain the image may leave your child with very confused and mixed emotions. These are very common feelings expressed by children and are the impact of a determined offender whose aim was to obtain the images.   

It is also common for a parent/carer not to realise what is being done to their child. The offender will have deployed strategies to silence them by reducing the options for them to tell anyone. This will include making them feel they are the ones who wanted this, they are the ones who are bringing shame to themselves, or there is nothing wrong with what is being done to them, it is “normal” relationship behaviour. Equally they may have been blackmailed, bullied or threatened to produce the image and to keep them silent. 

Young boy gaming online

Your child may not have told you for other reasons such as:

  • Guilt that they been involved in something that they feel you would not approve of. 
  • Fear of the reaction of you, friends, other family members if you found out. 
  • Fear of someone seeing the images and seeing what they have been doing. 
  • Fear of getting into trouble. 
  • To protect others – they don’t want to be the cause of any upset for those they care about (you, siblings, family members, friends). 
  • Embarrassment - being the subject of intimate images is not an easy thing to talk about with anyone but especially your parents/carer.   
  • Not knowing how to talk about it. 
  • The offender may have threatened to physically harm a member of their family. 
  • Shame they may feel in what has happened. 
  • Not understanding it was abusive (younger children may think they are playing games; others may think they are in a genuine relationship). 
  • Often the Offender will want to cause a divide between your child and you. This is to try to isolate the child and reduce the chance of the child confiding that something is happening. I.e. The offender wants to make it appear that you are the enemy not them.  

Talking about it may be difficult for you as a family. Go at your child’s pace and do not expect them to tell you everything. They may have been dropping hints that something wasn’t right, but they were too subtle or vague for anyone to make the connection. The key is to focus on the here and now and to support your child.  

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